I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
