Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I puked a lego.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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