So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
