i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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