At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
