i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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