I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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