My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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