When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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