I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
