i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
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I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
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Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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