oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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