I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
