I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
