I skipped work to stalk him.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
