i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
