my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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