Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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