in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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