You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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