he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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