so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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