I'm going to rape someone's good day.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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