never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
