I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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