How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Randomize
