Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
