Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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