Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
