Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i love accidental penises.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize