...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You need Xanax blowdarts
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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