I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Randomize
