I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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