I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
