i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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