my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
