Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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