The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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