Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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