If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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