Jerry, you need to find god
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Randomize
