if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
