Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
