my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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