I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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