he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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