There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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