Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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