I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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