Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
