I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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