I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
