I faked an abortion last night.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
