I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
It's blow job season.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
