Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
