I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
