I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize