I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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