Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.