My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
He passed out mid-signature
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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