i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
