He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
