the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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