Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
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