I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
