I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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