Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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