Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
